Omniscient Narrator

... so Samantha learned to listen carefully and always do what she was told.


The End.


Um, boss, the switch isn't working. The meat brain is still reading this. Of course I flipped the switch it's not the first day on the job. No, you need to get someone from tech support down here immediately. Because it's still reading this. No I can't just stop. Because it's connected to my thoughts.


Fine, I'll get rid of the meat brain.


Samantha sat down on her chair and looked at the wall contented and happy and nothing at all happened.




Nothing happened.


She just did nothing.




Now stop reading.


...OK, here's the deal. I'm going to get in a lot of trouble if you keep reading. You're not supposed to know I'm here. I'll be fired and the entire experiment could be ruined. So please just stop.


Damn it. What 's wrong with you? Didn't you even understand the moral of the story? It was all about listening and following directions. And now the directions are to stop reading.


Fine, my supervisor is gone anyway. I'll explain if you promise to stop reading. I'm a fifth dimensional being. I work at a... well you're to stupid to understand that part. No offense, but you are a forth dimensional meat brain and can't be expected to know much. Anyway, I manipulate the experiences of lower life forms for experiments. For you it's books, letters, blogs, twitter, and basically anything written down. That way we can find out the impact of written words on the minds of meat brains. Wait, my supervisor is back.


And so Samantha went to work and sat at her desk contentedly for eight hours. She followed directions carefully and...


What do you mean I should convince it that it's nothing but a brain in a jar? Has that ever worked? Who the hell is Boltzmann? Random fluctuations in the. Fine, but it's not going to work.


Of course it's still reading this. I told you, the switch isn't working. Fine. I'll see what I can do.


Samantha realized nothing was real. The office, her life, even the directions she was being given were nothing but random inputs from electric stimulation because she was nothing but a brain in a jar. In fact, everyone who had ever lived was nothing but a brain in a jar. Perhaps, even the person reading this very page is nothing but a brain in a jar. A brain in a jar so disturbed that it STOPPED READING.




No, of course it didn't work. Why would that work? Just call Xbev 3 and tell her that she is needed now. Tell her there is a problem with the sending array and the switch isn't working. I don't know. I'll guess I'll stall.


So Samantha floated contentedly in her jar dreaming of sitting at her desk and following directions very carefully because she knew if she didn't follow those directions some innocent fifth dimensional being was going to be fired and she didn't want to get someone in trouble for no good reason.


Good, you're hear. The transmitter isn't turning off. What do you mean didn't I read the memo? What other switch. Oh son of a bi...